Tuesday, 28 July 2009

My Wake

I know it is short notice, but I really do want to see you all there on Friday afternoon. There will be speeches, of course. (Roger K has already called me several times to glean some special reminiscences) There will be laughter. Perhaps a few tears. But definitely some tea. And maybe a few dainties on the side. I always was keen to have a little something on the side. Come and join me. 2pm til 4pm. Your chance to shake me by the hand. My chance to look you in the chest.

Friday, 17 July 2009

Tour de Farce

My admiration for Mark Cavendish grows at every stage of this year's exciting Tour. Our home-grown, four-star sprinter has triumphed against the wheels of the world and defied all the odds. He is a personal hero and a beacon of excellence. We share an intensely competitive spirit and an ascerbic attitude to stupid and intrusive press questions. Mark prefers the physical approach with journalists. I have recently relied on hired bullies. But life in the fast lane of cycling and local government takes its toll. Today I have taken the courageous decision to leave my post and pursue a stimulating new career. It may mean travelling back to my roots in the North West where the family business now beckons. The moment I made the anouncement at County Hall spontaneous messages of goodwill flooded in. I was touched and moved by the kind words of the many. Not to mention the gifts. What warm spirited and wonderful people I have nurtured. You know who you are. Together we have taken Somerset far beyond excellence and breached new barriers. My legacy will be the wonderful computer operating systems that are about to transform all our lives. Long live SouthWest One.

Sunday, 5 July 2009

Don't blame the software

I apologise to any passing dog walkers, ramblers or visitors expecting a quiet Sunday afternoon in Morebath when the peace of the day was disturbed by four hours of anguished shouting. I may have allowed my temper to get the better of me in the tension of the Wimbledon finals and, when roused, I can make John McEnroe sound like a timid mouse.
It was a passionate performance by our SAPman, Andy Roddick, but when it comes to the game no player, however talented, can lean on the sponsor and expect miracles. We all knew there would be difficulties transforming this average American volleyer into a world class global entity. That is why he warranted a special build. Much of the training has since gone well and a Roddick HelpDesk was instituted to iron out specific problems. SAP command believed in Andy's determination to go for green. But it was the man who let us down. Only by a whisker. But whiskers count in tennis. There is only one winner. That's why Morebath heard me yell.

Friday, 3 July 2009

A Brave Man Needs Help

Lord Hanningfield, the imaginative and innovative Leader of Essex County Council, is currently under investigation by Scotland Yard for - allegedly - overcharging a few measy thousand pounds a year on his Parliamentary expenses. This is cruel victimisation of a real power-house in the realm of local government. It is claimed that he spent a lot of money on overnight trips to London when he lives just 46 miles outside the city and has the benefit of a chauffeur-driven car. These appalling stories are without foundation. Big H (as we know him) works his fingers to the bone, and many other parts besides, on behalf of the people of Essex. His Lordship has earned my praise for his brave espousal of IBM. He is a tribune among Leaders and richly deserves better than a knock on the door late at night from men in plain clothes - unless they happen to be invited! I suggest you go to his blog right away and show your support for the good things he has instituted. I am in no doubt that the Met will ask a few questions and decide that he is the most innocent of men. Should my prediction be in any way incorrect I have already offered my noble friend the services of an excellent lawyer who can pull his considerable weight in these circumstances.