My Wake

I know it is short notice, but I really do want to see you all there on Friday afternoon. There will be speeches, of course. (Roger K has already called me several times to glean some special reminiscences) There will be laughter. Perhaps a few tears. But definitely some tea. And maybe a few dainties on the side. I always was keen to have a little something on the side. Come and join me. 2pm til 4pm. Your chance to shake me by the hand. My chance to look you in the chest.

Tour de Farce

My admiration for Mark Cavendish grows at every stage of this year's exciting Tour. Our home-grown, four-star sprinter has triumphed against the wheels of the world and defied all the odds. He is a personal hero and a beacon of excellence. We share an intensely competitive spirit and an ascerbic attitude to stupid and intrusive press questions. Mark prefers the physical approach with journalists. I have recently relied on hired bullies. But life in the fast lane of cycling and local government takes its toll. Today I have taken the courageous decision to leave my post and pursue a stimulating new career. It may mean travelling back to my roots in the North West where the family business now beckons. The moment I made the anouncement at County Hall spontaneous messages of goodwill flooded in. I was touched and moved by the kind words of the many. Not to mention the gifts. What warm spirited and wonderful people I have nurtured. You know who you are. Together we have taken Somerset far beyond excellence and breached new barriers. My legacy will be the wonderful computer operating systems that are about to transform all our lives. Long live SouthWest One.

Don't blame the software

I apologise to any passing dog walkers, ramblers or visitors expecting a quiet Sunday afternoon in Morebath when the peace of the day was disturbed by four hours of anguished shouting. I may have allowed my temper to get the better of me in the tension of the Wimbledon finals and, when roused, I can make John McEnroe sound like a timid mouse.
It was a passionate performance by our SAPman, Andy Roddick, but when it comes to the game no player, however talented, can lean on the sponsor and expect miracles. We all knew there would be difficulties transforming this average American volleyer into a world class global entity. That is why he warranted a special build. Much of the training has since gone well and a Roddick HelpDesk was instituted to iron out specific problems. SAP command believed in Andy's determination to go for green. But it was the man who let us down. Only by a whisker. But whiskers count in tennis. There is only one winner. That's why Morebath heard me yell.

A Brave Man Needs Help

Lord Hanningfield, the imaginative and innovative Leader of Essex County Council, is currently under investigation by Scotland Yard for - allegedly - overcharging a few measy thousand pounds a year on his Parliamentary expenses. This is cruel victimisation of a real power-house in the realm of local government. It is claimed that he spent a lot of money on overnight trips to London when he lives just 46 miles outside the city and has the benefit of a chauffeur-driven car. These appalling stories are without foundation. Big H (as we know him) works his fingers to the bone, and many other parts besides, on behalf of the people of Essex. His Lordship has earned my praise for his brave espousal of IBM. He is a tribune among Leaders and richly deserves better than a knock on the door late at night from men in plain clothes - unless they happen to be invited! I suggest you go to his blog right away and show your support for the good things he has instituted. I am in no doubt that the Met will ask a few questions and decide that he is the most innocent of men. Should my prediction be in any way incorrect I have already offered my noble friend the services of an excellent lawyer who can pull his considerable weight in these circumstances.

Anyone for Tennis?

I fear that it is no more than institutional nationalism driving the fans of Andy Murray. One can appreciate a certain degree of pride in the success of this gangly Scot, but for pure brilliance I am still staking my belief in Andy Roddick's chances. Yes, he is American. But what's wrong with that. IBM is also American and IBM delivers the most excellent scoring solutions to the All England Club. To demonstrate their efficacy I invite you to click this link . See what I mean? In one simple click those experts at IBM manage to misdirect you. But don't be disappointed. At least IBM has managed to produce a one-dimensional tennis game for Wimbledon fans who can't get the real thing. The strange thing is that IBM tennis players don't use rackets, they hit the ball with their head. This may account for many things. Anyway, back to Andy Roddick. The other winning factor in Roddick's sporting pedigree is his determination to back winners and be backed by them. That is why Andy wears the SAP logo with such obvious pride. Give it your all in the next few days, Rodders, and show the doubters what we're really made of. And don't roget to send your invoice in nice and early early so that SAP can deal with it efficiently.

Double Bonus

Not one, but TWO glowing red accolades to Somerset for the installation of SAP! My good friends at IBM assure me that "double-red" is the ultimate benchmark. Personally I think we should all be aiming for the future and a splendid quadruplicate.

Eady does it

I like a man in a wig, especially if he makes sensible decisions. Mr Justice Eady's reputation has just rocketed far beyond excellence in my estimation. In a ruling that will be viewed by many bloggers as a breach of their privacy the good judge has decided to allow a gale of fresh air to gust through the blogosphere. It will no longer be sufficient to assert that the internet is a place where anonymity can thrive. In a landmark decision, Mr Justice Eady refused to grant an order to protect the anonymity of a police officer who is the author of the NightJack blog. The officer, Richard Horton, 45, a detective constable with Lancashire Constabulary, had sought an injunction to stop The Times from revealing his name. In April Mr Horton was awarded the Orwell Prize for political writing, but the judges were unaware that he was using information about cases, some involving sex offences, that could be traced back to genuine prosecutions. Detective Constable Horton has now, rightly, been exposed. I intend to vigorously follow this important legal precedent and run the perpetrator of the weekly and obviously fake "ProperGander" blog to ground for his (or her) damnable cheek in pretending to be me. There is only one Official Alan Jones.